Typelazy’s relaxing thoughts
Words that may not stimulate my thoughts but could very well stimulate yours.

Oct
04

A performance so warm, so joyous and so skillful it melted my heart even without being there to witness it live. The media across several countries have lavished enough praise on it but I still write this blog because I think the performance deserves more.
I would like to sincerely thank every person who was part of the mind boggling performance at the Delhi 2010 CWG opening ceremony. After what will go down as the most shambolic lead-up to the opening this will go down in history as one of the best ceremonies ever. I laud you for your performance that came “in spite” of the corrupt organizers, the blind CWG bashing media and countless more obstacles that must have come your way. I thank you for making us proud to be who we are and in one performance of 30 minutes making the world forget all that has gone on the past 30 days. I appreciate the pressure you must have been under to deliver something of this magnitude to make the world realize what we are really capable of.
Eventually I would like to apologize as well since you will see the great organizers and politicians who did all they could in their power to tarnish our country’s image and to make your job so much harder, take all the credit for all of your hard work and talent. As an Indian I would like to tell anyone who is listening out there that we know and we will always remember that it was the performers who made us proud and who have jump started what will surely be remembered as the warmest and most successful CWG ever. Our country believes in treating our guests like gods and every athlete will experience that hospitality over the next few weeks.
Welcome to the real ‘INDIA’!!!!

P.S. – Anyone who hasn’t already seen it here are the links. Part 2 will pretty much blow you away. Enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKSUUFtkxOY – Part 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbZDM8ArVPU – Part 2

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Jul
30

If you are looking for a stylish mustache wielding cool-hat kickasser to kick the largest empire in the world in its nut sack and then to make sure, asks them “Did I get you?” look no further because Bhagat Singh is here.

He didn’t believe in pansy ass methods to kick out an oppressive and brutal imperial power out of his freaking home. He didn’t want a ‘dominion status’ like the wusses in Congress, he just wanted to be free and like any great badass kickasser he wanted his country men freed. As a kid in Punjab he followed Gandhi like any self-proclaimed awesome Indian would do at the time, but soon found out his style didn’t match walking around with a stick.

To do what he did next, takes more balls than the entire 30 crore population had at that time. He decided not to follow Gandhi and that’s totally rocking!!! He got himself a god awesome education and honed his tongue & mind to be so freakishly sharp, that he could sharpen a Samurai sword by just talking to it.

When the dumb, stone-for-a-heart empire smashed his idol (Lala Lajpat Rai – totally badass in his own right) on the head repeatedly with wooden sticks while he was unarmed, he got so goddamned pissed off, that with a bunch of other psycho-wacko want-to-kick-British-ass’ers he formed a group that made the Brits pee in their diapers. In his badasstitude way he planned to shoot that freaking officer in the face and blow his tiny brains out. When the day came and he saw that a different officer came out on his god awful bike with a shitty ass name of Saunders instead, Bhagat didn’t give a rat’s-ass. As far as he was concerned all these imperialist whores had only one place to go and that was hell or back to England. So he walked up to him yelled “F*$% you” and shot the bugger in the face.

This made the British cry like a 5-year old girl wearing a dress with daffodils on it, whose stuffed unicorn was taken away from them and after a change of their wet with piss pants they ran to Gandhi to find a “peaceful” solution. There was no controlling our badass Bhagat even by the man who controlled the other 30 crore Indians. All the sissy Brit pussies could think of was to portray him as a terrorist instead of a spit-in-ur-face-kick-you-in-the-crotch totally glam freedom fighter that he was. He then did what any us would never think of doing. He walked into the British assembly and threw dud bombs around as casually as someone would fart & get arrested, without having to blow white British asses in the air. He used the most badass platform to inspire everyone to be totally awesome like him – the British court and media. Even behind bars he was a bigger headache than all of the world’s tylenol could cure and he fasted for absolutely awesome 63 days to get better living conditions in prison no matter how hard the Brits tried to stuff food down his mouth. That’s totally sweet!!! All this while he was just 20 years old, when I was stuffing my face with food every 63 minutes. Eventually, as he had planned, he got what he wanted.

If it wasn’t for the one scared-shitless faggot who told on Bhagat Singh, he would have walked out of jail and stuffed more bombs up the British empire’s ass than you can fit in a B-52 bomber. What makes him even more of a badass than anyone else is that he never tried to run away from his death and the man actually shouted at his own dad for being a wuss and asking the Brits for mercy to set him free. Instead, at the age of 23 he walked to his death with a smile on his face as they put the noose around his neck, shouting his slogan “Inquilab Zindabad” (Long Live Revolution).

That’s our badass Bhagat Singh who as the picture shows, had an awesome fashion sense and who with his god awesome attitude of “get out of my country you queer white-hair wig wearing white asses”, to this day makes all other badasses look like teenage girls crying over not getting into the cheerleading team.

P.S. – I have to credit the website http://www.badassoftheweek.com for giving me this idea. Check that site out!!!

Oct
13

We think we know. Some of us dont care enough to think if we know. I certainly thought I knew.

That changed when I saw it in a series so well put together that it blew me away. If God made this planet and the everything alive on it he is without doubt the greatest artist ever. His only gaffe was letting us touch his creation.

Planet Earth is by far the single greatest spectacle I have seen on television. Compelling -check, Informative -check, Must Watch -check, breath-takingly gorgeous – check and uncountable “Oh my God” moments – double check. I didnt know that elephants have adapted to life in a desert, I didnt know that a great white shark’s final attack last’s less than a second, 3% of land is covered in rain forest but contains 50% of all life on land, Chile’s Atacama desert sees rain once in 50 years and a million other facts which are incomprehensible for my puny mind.

I dont want to talk too much about the series as my vocabulary cannot lavish the praise that it deserves.

What it did make me realise is that nearly everything on this planet that man hasnt touched is a work of art 4.5 billion years in the making. I dont think we can ever top that and neither do i think we can destroy it.  Our planet and Mother Nature have worked too hard and too long. I know now the day “push comes to extinction” Nature will show us the door if that is the only to save the planet. I now realise how simple yet utterly complex to execute Nature’s philosophy is and it was aptly summarised in Jurassic Park by the wacko Dr.Ian Macolm who said “Life always finds a way”.

Mar
31

Anyone ever thought of why we think of a warm furnished apartment with a beautiful view when we think about our home? Why do you think cleaning your home means to vacuum the carpet and why does protecting your home mean buying house insurance?

I urge you to open your mind for the next few minutes while you read this to consider a different home and an infintely more important one. PLANET EARTH!!! I dont think there is any need to explain why I say our planet is home and why it is infinitely more important. This blog comes in the wake of earth hour, which if any of you didnt hear about should check the internet for it. I for one agree that I had no clue that millions of people, tens of cities had taken part in this initiative. But now that I know about it and that I have been reading extensively about it, I believe it is the kindest gesture we can make towards our home.

We all know our planet is in crisis, we all know that fossil fuels will no longer power our lives. Why do we not do anything about it? Most of us take certain percautions like carpooling or something as simple as switching off the lights when u leave the room. However the objective is very different. We do it thinking that it will save us some money but we never think that switching the light off might lead to lesser coal being burned to produce that electricity. Not only do we not think that, we do not even realise how important that saving is compared to saving a few cents.

Not more than 20 people will read this but if I can make even one person take this seriously I would have done a good job. Take a few minutes of your day go to www.earthhour.org and see how you can help. Its so important not to say “I am just one person” so dont say it. Do what you can. How about using recycled tissue papers at home, using a cloth to clean your kitchen instead of a roll of paper towels, keep a few paper bags in your car and use them when you go grocery shopping instead of using plastic bags, carpooling, make your next car a hybrid, use environment friendly air freshners, use your heaters and airconditioners efficiently, dont drive aggressively (saves you 33%gas not to accelerate hard of a red light), switch off the lights when not in use and how about trying to follow earthhour once a week rather than once a year.

Its the point of view of doing these things that has to change; dont do it to save a few cents (coz really thats not a big incentive) do it to help clean your home. Its ironic but to make the world a brighter place, you have to switch off the lights.

We have only one planet. We get only one chance!!!

Mar
03

Ponting: Come on son, let me teach you a few things about cricket while we practice in the backyard.

Son: (Excited) All right dad. let me go get my stuff.

Ponting: Ok. (Walks into the backyard with a smile feeling proud that he will teach his son to become a great cricketer)

Son (All padded up): Alright dad I am ready. Lets do this.

Ponting: Lets start with a simple forward defense. Make sure that your bat and pad are close together, head over the ball and in line with the ball, foot to the pitch and eyes on the ball at all times. (Son executes a perfect practice shot). Good good. Ok now the pull/hook shot

Son (super excited): Wow I want to hook just like you dad. You do it so well.

Ponting (Smiling): Sure sure son. For a pull shot you need the bowler to bowl a short ball. So for that you make him angry. (son scratching his head). Let me explain. the previous ball after the forward defense you tell the bowler to fuck off and go learn how to bowl like a fast bowler.

Son (eyes wide with horror): You just said the “f” word dad. I am going to tell mom about that. I thought I need to transfer my weight on to the back foot to play the hook shot.

Ponting (calmly): Mom knows about it son. Going on to the backfoot is a skill and skill is secondary here and dont think of it as the “f” word think of it as “mental disintegration”. Its a skill more important than any to win. I say this to the media and kids all over the world that it is a part of the game so I thought might as well teach my 8 year old son early so that you have an advantage over the others. You are too young for beer but there is no age limit to know the and use “Mental disintegration” (now smiling).

Son : Oh thats awesome dad. What else can I use to make the bowler angry? (now eager and curious)

Ponting (grinning): oh there are lots of other things son. But make sure every sentence has the “f” word. Then you can get the players mother, father, wife or family into the picture. You can call someone a bastard too, mix and match kiddo.Be creative so that you really piss off the opposition. But never ever call anyone a Monkey.

Son (bemused): I can call someone a bastard but not a monkey?

Ponting (Serious): Yes thats racism son and you dont want to do that. Dont ask how its racism because even talking about it is too painful. Dont call anyonea monkey even if he looks exactly like one.

Son (wanting to play the hook) : Ok dad as you say. How about telling how to play the hook, I really want to learn that.

Ponting : Oh this is enough for the day kid. You have learnt something more important than a pull/hook shot. Now its time to go study.

Son (angry that he didnt get to pull/hook) : Fuck off you bastard. Go tell your mother to do my homework. (Stomps off proudly, happy that he learnt the art of winning so fast).

Ponting (Proud): Wow I was completely mentally disintegrated by that!!!!!

Jan
25

Hi there Manoj. Weird referring to myself like that but well you are not exactly me. You (or I) will understand the tenses once the world solves the space-time conundrum. By the way, FYI Poland is a super power now, you will know how and why soon.

I send this to you in 2008 because even though the world seems advanced it hasnt yet taken a giant revolutionary step that it needs in order to survive. and no solving the space-time question is not the revolution I am talking about. All that did was open a pandora’s box for more problems.

Two problems the world of 2008 needed to solve were pollution and population (note i dont mention control which we all know wont happen). One chilly 2009 afternoon in a desolate village in Poland the solution to these problems fell. Thats right, fell. A fall which generated more interest than all the major news event of the world all through out history combined. You meanwhile oblivious to the worlds problems (and the solution that fell) you are sitting in your office looking at a computer screen trying to be a network engineer.

CNN headlines “We are not alone!!!!!!!!!!” I hope I was smart enough to have guessed it by now (by that I mean I hope you have guessed it) yes an alien spaceship crash which changed the world and changed the way we look at Poland (which is a rather insignificant fact). It was an unmanned (man or whatever an intelligent lifeform is called on that planet) mission which was successful (if its mission was to find other (less) intelligent life forms). 14 years on no one has solved the questions of where and how far it came from, who sent it or any of the factual questions. But one thing about that ship changed the world and will probably now help us survive on Earth for longer than we anticipated. The crash completely deformed the ship (or so we thought – one of the reasons the aerodynamics industry went to the cleaners). But it was the mind boggling alloy the ship was made of which solved 2 of the worlds biggest headaches (or earaches which are more bothersome in 2023). What was after lots of debate named “solvad” showed us how to harness solar energy (or any energy for that matter) and spiralled the aerodynamics industry into bankruptcy.

Short description for solvad – frictionless and all absorbing. When the ship crashed the energy generated from the ship hitting the ground were all in the power system of that ship. It cushioned all the electronics in the ship and since the power system was hooked up to use the energy from the surface of the ship it was now charged enough to run New York City for a week. The biggest let down was the communication systems which had failed and therefore left us with no way of contacting where the ship came from and being as complex as it was we are still trying to figure out not only how it works but why it fails (I am not sure if it has failed or if we are still too stupid to understand how to find the ON switch).

Humankind had found the way to completely eliminate the need for carbon based fuels and now runs completely on solar power. It turned out the alloy was extremely cheap to make seeing how it was made mostly of salt (I am not sure if anyone has tried tasting it or using it in their food). Being frictionless solved our problem of population. Not controlling it but where to habitate. Going up was always the solution but there were limitations; architectural and engineering. The worst enemy of tall buildings was wind. Make (or in this case find) a frictionless material and problem solved. Air just glides past as if nothing is in its way. Now the only thing to solve was how to build a strong enough foundation to keep tall buildings tall which we figured out soon enough. What made Poland a superpower was the vision of one politician who handled this situation to Poland’s benefit (not to mention his own). The shapes a building is made in didnt matter anymore and hence there was an explosion of buildings which were unique works of art personifying the architects who designed them (not all personalities were flattering) and aerodynamics was no longer a science. Real estate prices plummetted. People were charged depending on how expensive their designs were not how expensive the land was. With no energy bills to pay nearly everyone got richer and this in turn led to an economic depression of magnanimous proportions as the value of all currencies dipped. Middle East lost all its money as oil wells lay deserted. Religious wars scaled new heights as people started doubting the presence of God. These I believe were egotists who couldnt believe that humans are not the most important issue at hand for God (which considering how God has the small matter of running the Universe is a very egotistical belief and I already mentioned these people were egotists. The 2009 Poland fall was termed (ironically) “The Devil’s rise”

The life saving solvad was then used for weapons which demeaned the word “striking range”. Religious wars were using the very solvad which they deemed unholy and wiped out more humans than were saved because pollution was not a problem. As you see (or as I saw) the world will never rest, never be uniform, never will there be no chaos. What was left though after the war (which if anyone is interested no side won) was a beautiful world with those man made marvels competing against nature for the higher aesthetic value. Nature still won but for once humans came a close second.

If you are worried about the war dont worry. As this letter proves I am alive which means so are you. Doesnt mean you shouldnt be careful, dont be foolish and die and make me regret writing this letter to myself!!!!!!!!!!

Jan
02

I am not questioning if this is going to be a happy year or not, i am questioning the countless greetings that one receives and sends on orkut, myspace, yahoo, sms etc.

All anyone does is send message to all and type in those overused words “Wish you a happy and prosperous new year”. This mass wishing strips it of any meaning when it is not addressed to a person. I would rather take the time and wish people using their names. Thats the least one can do. And I would also rather receive ones addressed to me. I dont give those tons of wishes even a glance and i am not sure how many of us actually do.  Then why send them?

I guess its one of the many pitfalls of ecommunication that ppl talk about. I shouldnt be one to complain being in the field of telecom. But I would rather use ecomm to send a personal message to a friend whom i do want to wish and talk to on new year. not just wish everyone on my list n forget about it.

So not being a hypocrite i wont wish everyone a happy new year here in my blog. Not that I dont want everyone to have a happy new year just that I dont think this is the right way to wish that for everyone. I hope this changes the view of the people who read this. Take some time out of your to the people u want to wish.

Dec
06

Sorry I refuse to call it Mumbai. 15 days in the city of dreams, my home Bombay. It all seems like a blur now but it was without a shadow of doubt the best 15 days of my life.

It hardly took a heartbeat after touchdown to realise that I am back home and that this is home. After entering the city its a host of mixed feelings and after spending a few days there and going out a lot I debate whether to love the place or hate it. Eventually it sinks in “I always will love my home”, I may hate a few things about it but well thats a given in any scenario. If you love something there has to be something you hate about it. No matter how much is written or said about Bombay its always less. There is something about the way the city moves that makes you feel so inconsequential and small in whole scheme of things but yet assures you that you have a very important place. I dont know how that happens but it does.

No one drives in their lane, you dont know if the pedestrians avoid the cars or the drivers are careful enough to not run them over. People honk when the light’s red and accelerate when someone crosses the street but nothing goes wrong most of the time. Everything that I grew up with suddenly started to amaze me and when I mentioned these incidents to my friend he says “So?” thats when I realized “Hey, this is normal here!!”

The city actually never sleeps, I knew that but still I am amazed!!!! Here’s to Bombay – The city thats extraordinary because of how normal yet unique it is.

But in my heart I know I miss Bombay not only for the city but for the people who rule my heart.

Nov
14

Well finally its here. Not that too many people would be waiting for this but whether u like it or not I have arrived!!!!! Dont know how long I will survive and how often I will show up but well there is always hope even for the laziest of bums then why not me.

The only effort i put so far was to choose a theme and thats where my laziness kicked in. I loved the theme that I chose though. I dont know how much or how little I like the ocean but different people have the luxury of intrepreting its meaning and what it signifies in different ways. Vast, endless, calm, turbulent, life giving, life taking and the list goes on.

What I see is something that is as open as can be but still holds more secrets than something in a file marked rather unwittingly as “TOP SECRET”.  Unlike those files the oceans doesnt stop us from trying to find those secrets it just has some obstacles that we need to cross to go beneath the surface. Kinda what i feel about myself. Many things many people dont know, a few things that everyone knows, few things that only a few know, a few things that only I know and a few things that even I am not aware of about myself.  Woahhhh!! that was deep and well made sense to atleast me.

Not many would have desperation as a reason for starting a blog but I do. guess where I am? behind desk in front of a laptop in office? ofcourse simple guess. and here is where my desperation finds it roots. Work to do but not urgent but no way of entertaining my idle mind. so well after some pushing and shoving by a friend of mine I sit and type this sorry excuse for a blog. which btw i found out today that it stands for weblog, that is how desperate I am.

Well whoever is as desperate as me is most welcome to read. and if you dont like it, I certainly dont promise that I will improve or that I will even try to improve.